3 Peas for my Big 3-0: Politics, Passion, Priorities

Indeed I have a lot of explanation to do. I have a lot to explain to the followers of this blog and to myself after being MIA for > 2 months (from this blog), which is quite unlike me. Who doesn't know that I love to rant and write. And yet, I still cannot comprehend this awkward difficulty in expressing myself lately. Even as I am typing now, there is still much reluctance. Reluctance in thoughts. Well, even my idol, Stephen Hawking said that some things are memang inexplicable. I have so much to tell (if u know me well, I always do) but words doesn't spell (and spill) out as easily as before. You may say it's a 'writer's block' but I digress. I call it errr...'stagflation'. If you've gone to economics class (I did mine in NUS and fared badly; should have stuck my classic sciences :P), it's a combination of being fake-ly 'high-spirited', but probably compensating for the stagnancy in my life.

Wow, I found another 8th of June baby at office!

Politics. These two MIA months were actually critical months in my career. My company is (still) going through a huge re-org and I found myself in a limbo. Shoved around. Found out that during such times, words are mere words if there are no actions. Promises were made and broken. A position in the company that was 'promised' to me, in which I was also eyeing for, was taken away without remorse. Such that I was the last one standing, in a game of musical chairs. Pretty much makes me the loser in this ruthless game. Of course, it's pretty normal in any company; many have journeyed through a similar path. I could only do two things: Quit or Stay. Office politics is as shitty as Malaysian politics. But the solution to politics is 'easy': You stay or you quit. (as per Singapore NDP 2002's speech by ex-premier Goh Chok Tong). You stay: you are doomed. You quit: politics will come find you wherever you are. Sooner or later, you're doomed.

Relationships: This 2 months has gladly shown me who are the people who don't give a damn about your life and those who genuinely do, who puts you down cause they envy your success, who understands your needs or those that plays down your aspirations by knowingly giving you shitty advice.  At this point, it was ridiculously easy to pick out the ones that REALLY care and you care for too. Also those who makes use of you and your money, and those who thinks I am a nice girl, found out that I am not!

Doesn't feel great to be thrown around and letting the company or your anyone else decide your future. I need to decide my own future. But in turbulent times, a silver lining appears: The situation has allowed me to re-assess my priorities, my wants and more importantly - my passion. It the midst of chaos (and it was chaotic), I sorta found myself. Learnt more about what I want in life. What my limitations are. What my strengths are. By now, I am 70% sure in what I want (that's quite high by my standards!). These two months was a debate between passion vs. money; relationships vs. invasion; heart vs. mind.



Makan-makan with my senior colleague.

Passion. What is passion actually? Probably it's just stuffs that you enjoy doing. My passion was swimming. Then, it was Aikido. Later, it was my doctoral research where I was delighted to see fungus growing out of any thing. I also found out that passion changes over time. It's vulnerably fluid. I currently enjoy running, which is definitely my passion today. All I talk about lately is about running, the shoes, the races, the training, etc. But hey, passion doesn't pay your bills! I run but it's not good enough to beat those (angry) Kenyans or Japanese to stand on the podium with a mock cheque of USD8,000. So, to some people, stop asking me quit my job to do what I am passionate about. Let me tell you, I can't do running as a job. Read my lips: It doesn't pay my bills. Maybe, not at this moment. Hopefully one day, I shall find my TRUE(?) passion. But whatever it is, I hope to find a job/passion that fits my out-going, bubbly personality.



Priorities. You can see where my priorities lie even in this blogpost itself. Chronologically. Notice that I always speak about career first......then you do the maths. Maybe that's where the problem lies when it comes to r/ship. More on r/ships next time. That would be in another post. Maybe several posts :P :P 


Tomorrow, I'll be hitting the Big three-Oh. I reflected back on what I've gone through for the past 30 years (wait...I barely have any memories of my first 5 years after birth, so it's 25 years) - the bitter-sweet memories, unforgettable travels, joyous occasions, big achievements, horrendous mistakes, life-changing moments, plain dumb decisions , and weird paths chosen - that led me to where I am today, I know I am blessed. I am also grateful, though slightly unsatisfied (I am still human being marr!),. I did come to conclusion that God do not allow me have everything, because if he does, I won't turn to Him anymore. Change, Loss and Pain are unavoidable. Growth is optional. "My prayer is you'll keep growing in love, knowledge and insight" - Philippians 1:9

Happy Birthday, Ivy. And grow up!