Hiatus

As my relationship takes a hiatus, I got on track quickly with my career. It was more like a break, and I asked for it: He wasn't PERFORMING. Yah. Monetory-wise. And it was bad timing for him and I too. I went into a quick realisation that with or without him didn't matter at all: I prefer 'without'. I lost myself while with him. No regrets on my decision for the break. I am back to the real me again. With him, I was always always always solemn.

And within a week, I was back on track. REAL QUICK. I finished my whole thesis in 2 weeks! All 5 chapters with references, 130 pages, 1.5 spacing for the draft to reduce paper wastage and the environment (do I actually give a damn!?). So, the real thesis with double spacing plus all the rubbish extras i.e. acknowledgement, appendices, etc. will make my thesis about 200 pages. Which will make my Prof. a very unhappy man as he expects the Harvard rule of any thesis exceeding 150 pages as "sure-a-lot-rubbish and redundancies". It's really up to my examiners now to proofread and criticise my work which could take up to 6 months!!! Wosrt still, my semester fees depends on their diligence in reading my work. As of now, though I have completed EVERYTHING - as long as they don't finish criticising my thesis, I am stuck with paying my semester fees of RM2000!!!

Hiatus on my Ph.D., my relationship: I feel relief nowadays, though I do miss the whole lovey-dovey parts of boyfriend-girlfriend activities and I do miss my Ph.D.-work stress! Cause stress can be quite euphoric for me.

With nothing on my mind, I prepared myself for the interview with Petronas. They wanted a scientist. Let me tell you, I was more excited than nervous! I was working out my Law Of Attraction and praying hard. The interview toook damnit - 2 hours!! Which is good, cause the likeliness of them rejecting an applicant after interviewing him/her and wasting 2 hours of their time is LOW. That's just my bloody hypotheses on HRM. I really really hope I get it. Pls Pls Pls. The interview went very well (again, to my opinion. So, respect it). If I get this job, I'll be sent to Torino, Italy to learn more about surfactant and lubricant sciences (which is quite pesticide related)! I wanna see the Shroud of Turin, but is it kept there?.

I know this is childish. But after the interview, I took advantage of the electronic pass to access KLCC's Tower 1. I went to all the lifts to several floors....then I went to almost the highest point that I dare to reach with my pass. From the 43rd floor, the view was amazing! I think the security would have gotten a shot of me from their CCTV going up and down the lift for no apparent reason. Hope it will not lead to a mugshot! The only complain which I had was the haze, which clouded the beauty of KL City. Another set-back: I had no camera.

I will be in Ipoh from today til Monday. Again, it's regarding my health...and my mum's grumbling. Nothing big, just AGE catching up on me. *wink* "Doctor, I'll pay you lots, just remove the problem." This time more of my money flying off again cause it's a specialist! How to save $$$ arr?

How my Father made me.

I was borne into a Christian family. I don't have a choice. My dad is the only one being Christian, or I would say, 'has-a-spiritual-faith' amongst his 6 siblings. To date, my ku-ma and uncles are free-thinkers. They are not even Buddhist. And don't even speak about my mum's side of the story. My mum is the only Christian too amongst her 10 siblings! Initially, mum is not devoted to Christ; she's just devoted to my dad. But my mum serves the Lord as faithful as she can with her culinary skills, and you can't blame her - she doesn't know to read a single word from the Bible. But thank God for giving her strong ears and her 99.9% attendance in church (Sundays)!

My dad reads the Bible from cover to cover and has never entrusted his life to anyone but to the Lord Jesus Christ. He made sure his children go to Sunday School and learn whatever in church - Bible-stories, singing, acting, dancing, English, reading, mixing, playing. Today, I am proud to have a dad who is still active in church and ministries, and lead a very successful family (me!). I too surely want a family of my own that is Christ-driven. Because I can truly testify that I have been personally touched by God and the Holy Spirit. No way I would let my family be 'free-thinkers' though a huge significant part of my life have, is and will be devoted to the sciences. Sciences are here to help people understand nature but I prefer if certain things are left unexplained. If YOU CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, YOU'RE ALREADY GOD. Read "A Brief History Of Time" by Hawkings, S. - last sentence, last page. IF YOU CAN EXPLAIN EVEYTHING, YOU DON'T NEED GOD. That's why, I added, you won't have the solution to a lots of things.

I am still not baptised. I was borned 28 years ago this month, and yet, not "born-again". My dad never worries about me throughout his life but he's clearly worried about my ONE thing: I am not baptised...yet. Today, in church, the sermon was about 'born again' and the Holy Spirit. As usual, I have to frankly admit(!), I am a sermon-critic, a self-deceiver; probably Science has led me to question and be hyper-critical about everything. I choose to listen to what sounds nice to my ears in church. I can't take too much of the Good News because I feel guilty and will leave the church before sermon ends. I always leave the church early if the sermon is boring or makes me feel guilible. I have not taken the wine and the bread for a long long time (I can't remember when was the last time I took the Lord's supper), just because I believe I've so much sin in me and believed that if I am not baptised, I don't deserve the Lord's supper. For a long time, I have not mixed with my church friends because I can't take in what they say; everytime I've a problem to share, they will hand me no good solution but quotes such as: "Look to Jesus and He will help you." I always think: "Come on, if I don't solve this problem, not even God can help me." Really. "Stop saying God will bless me!" I am slowly falling out because I want true solutions to earthly matters. I am slowly becoming a 'free-thinker'. I only believed in my hard work and my diligence.

It is no accident. Today is significant. Just when I almost became too narcissistic for my own-liking, God sent an angel. Literally. She just approached me just as I was about to leave the pew early. She caught me. She said one thing that got me all shocked and immediately I knew she was God-sent: "Did you hear the message? It's about born again. It touched you, didn't it?" I almost replied "Yah, it touched me and saddens me, and that's why I am leaving early because I don't want to hear the message anymore". I think her conversation with me later on is kinda classified, but the outcome was clear: I'm going to get baptised! I can't wait to tell my dad.

Thank God for my dad. Sadly, Alan's dad just went home with the Lord. And I pray for Alan to see what I've experienced so far in my walk with Christ. He's open to faiths but I wish he wouldn't rely on himself too much, a mistake I have made. We both are strong people, that's why God make us both so weak so that we seek him now. I really can't wait for July 09. I wonder how different I would be after the momentous day.

Happy Father's Day. I've got 2 FATHERS. YAY!

the mysterious 1111 and/or 111 phenomena following me 9 months back has once again emerged. FYI.

I've experience this a week back and last week alone in three crazy occasions:

1. Petrol Station - my pump stopped at that count.

2. Petrol Station - someone before me pumped to unit 1111 and I saw this count before my turn.

3. Digital clock at home - so many times!

Love does not envy

I might not know what will have happened if it were to happen to me: two deaths in a span of 3 months? Especially if it involves the death of a love one. Sorry... two love ones.

I know can never be an enough support to Alan. It was such a huge loss in his life...times two! What words could ever comfort him, I truly wonder?! I hope my being there in his time of grief was sufficient. Actually, the best would be to keep my bloody mouth shut (because I can be blasphemous at the wrong time). And because it is as simple as I-don't-know-what-to-say-to-him anymore. I did thought, whatabout: words of comfort (e.g. Don't cry, you're a guy, remember)? Encouragement (e.g. You must be strong...cause, I heard you lift 50lbs weights in gym)? or Morbid jokes (e.g. I've just watched 'Drag Me To Hell' and almost died...tooo...)? Shit..I'm joking even now...

Nope, I didn't cast those words in any way.

But yes, I have kept my mouth really shut this time. You wouldn't guess, but I've said very little. I didn't even utter any words of comfort, encouragement or of course, dare to joke. I did say simple words like "sorry for your lost & can I help in any ways?" and "you need to eat, you're getting thinner and so is your hair". Because the last time I 'said' something on a funeral was at his mum's wake 3 months back. And that created a scene!! I cast a curse and bad-mouthed a tak-tahu-malu punya bitch I met in the funeral. Now, I held back.

It might be a wrong time but I really really really wanted to said "I love you" to him. The only three words I truly wish to express now. Because I truly am. Sigh... three most expensive words are about to explode (at the most inappropriate moment?). And why am I sighing, eh?!? Isn't it simple to say? "Just say it"

Why I didn't say it (and regretted now) was because he love his (late) father and (late) mother so much that if I say I love you, it would seem like I am trying so hard to get his love and attention now. Selfish. And because I expect him to reciprocate (those words) in action or words too, now. I know he won't be able to do during his grief. This is all because I thought "I LOVE YOU" was 'expensive'.

My mistake: I utter I LOVE YOU sooooooooo rarely, it is now lost in translation. If I were to say it more frequently, I wouldn't have problem saying it to him right now, when he needs it the most.

So, my advise is to say those (three) words as frequent as possible because you do not know when your love ones will leave. 'Love does not envy'; the Bible made it very clear. I've sin, I truly was envious of his love.

FYI, I did watch "Drag Me To Hell" today. It's true, I almost died of a heart attack.

My WISHLIST

Exactly these:

Prada sunglasses

Taylor Swift's mane

GSC GoldClass Movie Ticket on a good movie

Sony Ericsson C510

Bikini-ready hot bod

Burberry Heather tote

The All New Honda City in red

Keurig coffee brewer brewing a 'blue mountain'

Stingy Mode: ON

Stingy

versus

Sting-y

I am now officially my Professor's research assistant/tutor. For 4 months. Very, very much less money compared to my scholarship and swimmings combined, but I hope that will do to sustain me these months.

So sorry people: take not that from this very minute, I'll be switching to my 'stingy mode', which ultmately means there won't be any form of fine dining, no belanja-belanja, no binge drinking (on Starbucks, I mean), less clubbing, SHUCKS! no jalan-jalan cari makan, and big no no to shopping of any form. No worries, I'll be back to 'over-binging mode' when I get my first real job.

I would have to binge on my Bali trip though. And that too I had saved a lot on the tics already. Can't wait to splurge on Bali!

No, I'm not going to be that stingy to lose my fashion sense!

This week, I feel.....

1. disappointed - Manutd couldn't defend their Champions League title against Barca. I woke up early that morning, quickly check my Twitter but found no updates from my Manutd fan club follows. Which could only mean one thing - they lost.

2. scared like hell - I think need to go back to Ipoh for medical check up again lahh. I feel there's something really wrong with my system. I don't feel good all the time. Occasional migraine, lethargy, hair loss, pimples, neck pain, calling for sick leave almost weekly. I like Zow Zow instant noodle, but this week, I don't even feel like eating it. I ate zinc supplement daily, drank Brand's chicken essence, discarded my old pillow away but to no avail. I am afraid I have some medical condition more sinister than it apparently seemed. Hope it's as simple(?) as STRESS.

3. geram gilerr - On 28 May 2009, I gave-up on my hair. I was sooo frizzy! I woke up one morning realising I was the epitome of Charles Darwin's evolution theory. I did look like an orang utan. The mirror cracked. I sped thru LDP to my stylist in The Curve. He charged me nothing!! FOC!!! Aleluia for thoughtful people. He gave my hair a very relaxing spa and un-frizz it. My brains and head, whatever that was on top of me felt sooo much better. My hair was springy and livelier than ever. My wants: Taylor Swift's mane.

4. Over The Top - I am currently applying for jobs. I wrote my C.V. and many resumes and cover letters and proofread my credentials through many many times. Wow, I have lots of stuffs going on in me!! Five A4 papers for a C.V. is kinda OTT, eh. *Sweat*

5. finished but fulfilled - I've taught swimming for....hmmphhh...let me calculate...(where's my calculator)......June 2005-09.....kali, plus, minus, bahagi = 3 years+!! Made friends, made enemies (ya, benci sangat sama dia!), made kids cry, made kids go nuts, made my skin go bad, made tan-lines, made my hair frizz, and made many aunty-friends.


6. recessed - Yes, I feel the recession. I've been slowing down on my clubbing, shopping, and eating. My disposable income (scholarship actually) had allowed (or spoiled!) me to live a bit too luxurious as a student. This month onwards, I will not have any more income as I've stopped all my swimming. I hope to retain the weekend swimming though. Now, just recide at home and write write write, edit, read, study, and maybe apply for jobs.

**BTW, I have been given money to edit people's thesis! That's surprisingly good income!

7. Wow-ses - What a great great book - White Tiger. It made my heart beat beat beat pump pump pump even thinking about the story at this moment. Think The Kite Runner was good read? Try White Tiger. To me, it was a great read. All about the entrepreneurship in India that you can't find in China :) And how there are only two types of people in this world - man with belly and man without belly. And you decide your own future.

"Made With Love"

My brother touched down from his 51 hour flight (including transits at 4 airports) from Kansas. He said that there was no check on his flight for Influenza A, just walk-thru' the health scan system in the airport. What we thought would be a thorough >1 hr screening at KLIA on all passengers whose flights transited from NY was actually b***s**t. My brother didn't feel too well at first. But it's (hopefully) his jetlag.

My housemate got her Coach; I really didn't want anything from US. But santa bro got me a Victoria Secret microshorts and a 3 in 1 make-up case that I didn't ask for. Cost him like US$50 altogether, but it's actually dad's money/credit card. He claimed he worked for the money (he cuci pingan mangkuk at the cafeteria), but I don't trust him. So, thanks DAD!?!




I love the microshorts. It's already a MICRO-shorts and since my bro thinks I am XS, what was 'micro' became 'wah-so-damn-micro' shorts!

The microshorts from the PINK-collection are meant for collegiate students (me!) to flaunt their butts. Though my butt is not that flaunty(?) and I am never and never will be a Tyra, Karolina or whatever Angel models, still the shorts made me feel really really good. I love the whole package; it's the little little things that make your heart bounce in delight: the little pockets, the doggy print (I love dogs!), and the hemline.






VS package their things really intricately; I loved their tags that wrote the words: "Made with Love". I mean, it's such itsy-bitsy things that I take notice the most. Even the silica gel.

I know what you did last week!...and last, last week too!

Listen up, you! I know you know who you are. I dedicate this post to these you-know-who-you-are. Others not related can read up also. There's never a secret within me, eh???!??!?! :)

To Perakians and Nizar,
Congratulations to all! Pls Pls, no more tussles...and help the Perakians who has been abandoned for months. For once, we want a law passed (like murderlized all Mat Rempits; oh that's Federal law horrr). Sorry. Forgot my Pengajian Am already.

To investigator from IGB,
Thank you for the pompt response. I hope the investigation into the brick-fall incident can and will be concluded soon and come back to me when you're done. I wanna know what actually happened. I hope the one responsible is found. If not, Vouchers also I accept wann.... :P

To you, girl,
As a friend, what have been said is said. What have been done, is done for you. I don't know what to say and do for you anymore. It's only you who POSSESS the ultimate cure to solve this insomnia/depression and cry-when-no-one-is-around. Because I know you're strong, that's why I know you can make it through this. But also because you're stubborn, that's why you hold-on to it. Let go!! Some ppl take 2 years, some ppl take 2 weeks (I know who!), and some *dumb* ppl never get over it. Let me tell you the truth, the other species has ALREADY gotten over it. I know: He's gotten over it. No point bringing you anywhere (clubbing, swimming, meet new people, makan, PicknBrew) if you can't let go and move on. Because in the public, ppl can feel your insecurities and your inability to open up. Trust me, I am pro in this situation (pay me!). CAN'T MOVE ON, NO NEW LIFE. STUCK is all you get. But I know next week will be better for you. I know cause my EQ is high and I am freaking evil Gemini who knows both side of the gender's punya thinking (now pay me!). Hahahaa.......

To my boss,
Aisehh, give me a break marrr. I didn't know I have to teach lehh cause: Wesak day = public holiday = I also holiday.

To Mum,
Sorry arrr, didn't know you played reverse pyschology just like I always do to many. Karma. You did ask me not to come back to Ipoh marr during Mum's Day. You said soo mah-fun. Now you say I ngm-hou-soon to you and lonely! Nevermind, your beloved son coming back from Kansas; all my problems (with u) solved. Kakakakkaa!!!

To Ivy Chai,
GO TO SLEEP , god-damnit. It's 2.50am.

Post remove.

I've removed the latest post due for my fear for any counter-productive/contradictory msgs conveyed across the net related to that post. I have already drafted a formal complain regarding the latest incident affecting me.

Cheers!