Love does not envy

I might not know what will have happened if it were to happen to me: two deaths in a span of 3 months? Especially if it involves the death of a love one. Sorry... two love ones.

I know can never be an enough support to Alan. It was such a huge loss in his life...times two! What words could ever comfort him, I truly wonder?! I hope my being there in his time of grief was sufficient. Actually, the best would be to keep my bloody mouth shut (because I can be blasphemous at the wrong time). And because it is as simple as I-don't-know-what-to-say-to-him anymore. I did thought, whatabout: words of comfort (e.g. Don't cry, you're a guy, remember)? Encouragement (e.g. You must be strong...cause, I heard you lift 50lbs weights in gym)? or Morbid jokes (e.g. I've just watched 'Drag Me To Hell' and almost died...tooo...)? Shit..I'm joking even now...

Nope, I didn't cast those words in any way.

But yes, I have kept my mouth really shut this time. You wouldn't guess, but I've said very little. I didn't even utter any words of comfort, encouragement or of course, dare to joke. I did say simple words like "sorry for your lost & can I help in any ways?" and "you need to eat, you're getting thinner and so is your hair". Because the last time I 'said' something on a funeral was at his mum's wake 3 months back. And that created a scene!! I cast a curse and bad-mouthed a tak-tahu-malu punya bitch I met in the funeral. Now, I held back.

It might be a wrong time but I really really really wanted to said "I love you" to him. The only three words I truly wish to express now. Because I truly am. Sigh... three most expensive words are about to explode (at the most inappropriate moment?). And why am I sighing, eh?!? Isn't it simple to say? "Just say it"

Why I didn't say it (and regretted now) was because he love his (late) father and (late) mother so much that if I say I love you, it would seem like I am trying so hard to get his love and attention now. Selfish. And because I expect him to reciprocate (those words) in action or words too, now. I know he won't be able to do during his grief. This is all because I thought "I LOVE YOU" was 'expensive'.

My mistake: I utter I LOVE YOU sooooooooo rarely, it is now lost in translation. If I were to say it more frequently, I wouldn't have problem saying it to him right now, when he needs it the most.

So, my advise is to say those (three) words as frequent as possible because you do not know when your love ones will leave. 'Love does not envy'; the Bible made it very clear. I've sin, I truly was envious of his love.

FYI, I did watch "Drag Me To Hell" today. It's true, I almost died of a heart attack.