How my Father made me.

I was borne into a Christian family. I don't have a choice. My dad is the only one being Christian, or I would say, 'has-a-spiritual-faith' amongst his 6 siblings. To date, my ku-ma and uncles are free-thinkers. They are not even Buddhist. And don't even speak about my mum's side of the story. My mum is the only Christian too amongst her 10 siblings! Initially, mum is not devoted to Christ; she's just devoted to my dad. But my mum serves the Lord as faithful as she can with her culinary skills, and you can't blame her - she doesn't know to read a single word from the Bible. But thank God for giving her strong ears and her 99.9% attendance in church (Sundays)!

My dad reads the Bible from cover to cover and has never entrusted his life to anyone but to the Lord Jesus Christ. He made sure his children go to Sunday School and learn whatever in church - Bible-stories, singing, acting, dancing, English, reading, mixing, playing. Today, I am proud to have a dad who is still active in church and ministries, and lead a very successful family (me!). I too surely want a family of my own that is Christ-driven. Because I can truly testify that I have been personally touched by God and the Holy Spirit. No way I would let my family be 'free-thinkers' though a huge significant part of my life have, is and will be devoted to the sciences. Sciences are here to help people understand nature but I prefer if certain things are left unexplained. If YOU CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, YOU'RE ALREADY GOD. Read "A Brief History Of Time" by Hawkings, S. - last sentence, last page. IF YOU CAN EXPLAIN EVEYTHING, YOU DON'T NEED GOD. That's why, I added, you won't have the solution to a lots of things.

I am still not baptised. I was borned 28 years ago this month, and yet, not "born-again". My dad never worries about me throughout his life but he's clearly worried about my ONE thing: I am not baptised...yet. Today, in church, the sermon was about 'born again' and the Holy Spirit. As usual, I have to frankly admit(!), I am a sermon-critic, a self-deceiver; probably Science has led me to question and be hyper-critical about everything. I choose to listen to what sounds nice to my ears in church. I can't take too much of the Good News because I feel guilty and will leave the church before sermon ends. I always leave the church early if the sermon is boring or makes me feel guilible. I have not taken the wine and the bread for a long long time (I can't remember when was the last time I took the Lord's supper), just because I believe I've so much sin in me and believed that if I am not baptised, I don't deserve the Lord's supper. For a long time, I have not mixed with my church friends because I can't take in what they say; everytime I've a problem to share, they will hand me no good solution but quotes such as: "Look to Jesus and He will help you." I always think: "Come on, if I don't solve this problem, not even God can help me." Really. "Stop saying God will bless me!" I am slowly falling out because I want true solutions to earthly matters. I am slowly becoming a 'free-thinker'. I only believed in my hard work and my diligence.

It is no accident. Today is significant. Just when I almost became too narcissistic for my own-liking, God sent an angel. Literally. She just approached me just as I was about to leave the pew early. She caught me. She said one thing that got me all shocked and immediately I knew she was God-sent: "Did you hear the message? It's about born again. It touched you, didn't it?" I almost replied "Yah, it touched me and saddens me, and that's why I am leaving early because I don't want to hear the message anymore". I think her conversation with me later on is kinda classified, but the outcome was clear: I'm going to get baptised! I can't wait to tell my dad.

Thank God for my dad. Sadly, Alan's dad just went home with the Lord. And I pray for Alan to see what I've experienced so far in my walk with Christ. He's open to faiths but I wish he wouldn't rely on himself too much, a mistake I have made. We both are strong people, that's why God make us both so weak so that we seek him now. I really can't wait for July 09. I wonder how different I would be after the momentous day.

Happy Father's Day. I've got 2 FATHERS. YAY!

the mysterious 1111 and/or 111 phenomena following me 9 months back has once again emerged. FYI.

I've experience this a week back and last week alone in three crazy occasions:

1. Petrol Station - my pump stopped at that count.

2. Petrol Station - someone before me pumped to unit 1111 and I saw this count before my turn.

3. Digital clock at home - so many times!

Love does not envy

I might not know what will have happened if it were to happen to me: two deaths in a span of 3 months? Especially if it involves the death of a love one. Sorry... two love ones.

I know can never be an enough support to Alan. It was such a huge loss in his life...times two! What words could ever comfort him, I truly wonder?! I hope my being there in his time of grief was sufficient. Actually, the best would be to keep my bloody mouth shut (because I can be blasphemous at the wrong time). And because it is as simple as I-don't-know-what-to-say-to-him anymore. I did thought, whatabout: words of comfort (e.g. Don't cry, you're a guy, remember)? Encouragement (e.g. You must be strong...cause, I heard you lift 50lbs weights in gym)? or Morbid jokes (e.g. I've just watched 'Drag Me To Hell' and almost died...tooo...)? Shit..I'm joking even now...

Nope, I didn't cast those words in any way.

But yes, I have kept my mouth really shut this time. You wouldn't guess, but I've said very little. I didn't even utter any words of comfort, encouragement or of course, dare to joke. I did say simple words like "sorry for your lost & can I help in any ways?" and "you need to eat, you're getting thinner and so is your hair". Because the last time I 'said' something on a funeral was at his mum's wake 3 months back. And that created a scene!! I cast a curse and bad-mouthed a tak-tahu-malu punya bitch I met in the funeral. Now, I held back.

It might be a wrong time but I really really really wanted to said "I love you" to him. The only three words I truly wish to express now. Because I truly am. Sigh... three most expensive words are about to explode (at the most inappropriate moment?). And why am I sighing, eh?!? Isn't it simple to say? "Just say it"

Why I didn't say it (and regretted now) was because he love his (late) father and (late) mother so much that if I say I love you, it would seem like I am trying so hard to get his love and attention now. Selfish. And because I expect him to reciprocate (those words) in action or words too, now. I know he won't be able to do during his grief. This is all because I thought "I LOVE YOU" was 'expensive'.

My mistake: I utter I LOVE YOU sooooooooo rarely, it is now lost in translation. If I were to say it more frequently, I wouldn't have problem saying it to him right now, when he needs it the most.

So, my advise is to say those (three) words as frequent as possible because you do not know when your love ones will leave. 'Love does not envy'; the Bible made it very clear. I've sin, I truly was envious of his love.

FYI, I did watch "Drag Me To Hell" today. It's true, I almost died of a heart attack.

My WISHLIST

Exactly these:

Prada sunglasses

Taylor Swift's mane

GSC GoldClass Movie Ticket on a good movie

Sony Ericsson C510

Bikini-ready hot bod

Burberry Heather tote

The All New Honda City in red

Keurig coffee brewer brewing a 'blue mountain'

Stingy Mode: ON

Stingy

versus

Sting-y

I am now officially my Professor's research assistant/tutor. For 4 months. Very, very much less money compared to my scholarship and swimmings combined, but I hope that will do to sustain me these months.

So sorry people: take not that from this very minute, I'll be switching to my 'stingy mode', which ultmately means there won't be any form of fine dining, no belanja-belanja, no binge drinking (on Starbucks, I mean), less clubbing, SHUCKS! no jalan-jalan cari makan, and big no no to shopping of any form. No worries, I'll be back to 'over-binging mode' when I get my first real job.

I would have to binge on my Bali trip though. And that too I had saved a lot on the tics already. Can't wait to splurge on Bali!

No, I'm not going to be that stingy to lose my fashion sense!